The most condescending (and funny) cover letter ever!

A friend forwarded me this cover letter found during a resume search on a major job board. I've deleted a few links to protect the identity, but this is some funny stuff!

Step 1. Recruiters, headhunters, search people, and those with itchy email trigger fingers... PLEASE READ THIS.

NO, *REALLY* PLEASE READ THIS here:
I am looking ONLY for an Agile Mentor, Software Development Lead, Team Lead, or Development Manager position ON THE EAST SIDE (uh... this means Seattle area, in Washington STATE). I am no longer an individual contributor (even though I am really good at it). I only work on Agile teams - that means Scrum or XP or LEAN.

Just to clarify... I don't do VB or Delphi, and no, I won't work on the east coast, midwest, or in foreign countries [except maybe for ONE MILLION DOLLARS]. Also, I am not a DBA or QA person. I probably won't be interested in Java opportunities, and if you even say "perl" I will collapse and evaporate into a pile of dust.

OK now. DID YOU REALLY READ THE ABOVE? If not, go back to step 1...

Please do not contact me unless your job matches the above description. If you don't know what Agile is, please move along.

Now, IF YOU MUST... please contact me via E-Mail only - NO PHONE CALLS. If you resourceful people do manage to find my number (again), I will probably hang up anyway :-)

OK, good, you DO need to email me. Great! Now, I politely request that you please send me as complete a description of the position as possible, mentioning all the specifics you have that tell me why I might be interested. Please no more mails like "we have something we think you'd like, please contact us ASAP!" - those hit the big /dev/null in the sky.

My full resume is a C# program I wrote, and is always and forever online (and updated regularly) at [link] - feel free to bookmark it and/or "save a copy as a word document" from that web site (don't ask me how to do this by the way).

Thanks, and now, perhaps you might want to review Step 1 just one more time... ;-)